Life After Religion

Since leaving religion I am such a happier person. Most Christians would most likely say that it is because I enjoy my sin. Well, I'll be honest...I enjoy some of what they call sin. I mean my sex life is off the hook good. I am married, but I am not so sure Christians would approve of some of the things we do, or the fantasies we have contemplating fulfilling. I don't care, either. The sharing of our desires as only brought us closer together. We no longer feel isolated and alone, like we are dirty little sinners. Freedom to express ourselves has done wonders. We finally trust each other completely. Do you know how great that is?

And I apologize if you don't care to know that, but the truth is all religions fixate on sex the most. Why? It is human nature to have sex. It is how we pleasure ourselves, how we reproduce, and let's all be honest here...you know you like sex, too. And that you would love to be fully open with someone who is interested in making your dirty little fantasies come true. Well, maybe it's just me...but I doubt it.

Life after religion has proven to be wonderful. And not because I can wallow in my sick little sins, either. If you continue reading you will find the way I live my life to be pretty average. And my self esteem has improved a hundred fold now that I am not told week after week what a horrible sinner I am. Since I am no longer listening to people fill my head with nonsense, such as I was born in original sin that I did not originally commit.

I think about life a lot. The one thing I want to be sure of is that I have no regrets. That I use my mistakes, the times I get it so wrong, the guilt of the past to learn the lessons I need to prevent repeating the same. There are some folks that have said I think too much, and maybe that is true. But my truth is I want to live the best life I can live. And as I learn how to do that I want to share it with the world.

What does the best life entail? That question would be answered differently by almost every person in the world. But for me…the best life I can live is to overcome cycles, learn from my mistakes, and be the best wife and mother I can be. To learn how to be confident in all my relationships. To be the daughter, sister, friend anyone would be proud to claim. To be known for changing lives. Turning light bulbs on inside the darkness that lives within people.

Maybe that his why I like the Biggest Loser so much. People tease me quite often for it, but I don’t watch it to see cellulite jiggle on scales, or because obese people turn me on. I watch it because these people change from the inside out, and that is how it must be done. If we don’t change the inside the outside becomes a lie. I would much rather have overweight positive friends that are beautiful on the inside, than skinny backstabbing friends who are ugly as sin within. And as you watch the show you can tell the exact week a trainer switched on that light bulb; where once lived only the darkest of shadows. It’s a feel good show. And I like to feel good. I like to see others feel good. To overcome things in their life. It gives me hope, inspiration, and the knowing it can be done.

I traveled so many paths to get to the place I am at today. Some of them aided me in my journey; others hindered me along the way. But I wouldn’t change any of it, because it all taught me something. It helped me grow up when I didn’t know how. When I wanted to keep making excuses to stay the way I was. To remain that unhappy, feel sorry for self, insecure little girl I had been for so long.

The one thing I constantly repeat is replacement thought therapy. It really works for me. I know that for different people it might take different measures, but for me it is the ability to choose my thoughts. The realization that I don’t have to let my thoughts control me, my day, the outcome of a situation. I can choose to think differently. And after all, any change in you must begin with a changed thought. If you want to lose weight you don’t give in to the thought that pops in your head to skip that workout or eat that cookie. You tell that thought it has no power over you, and you say out loud I would much rather have this yogurt, and working out is fun. For even if it starts as a lie it will become your truth.

My life is far from perfect. There are days I would rather be anywhere but here. But I have learned life isn’t about perfection. It is about being okay with your best when your best really and truly is your best. It’s about looking behind you to see the progress you have already made, and letting it fuel you to go even further.

We have blow out moments in this house. My daughters fight like WWE champions some days. They get upset and they make us upset. In that moment I always have the choice to be the parent, to keep my patience, to not yell, to handle it creatively. But sometimes I fail to do that. I scream and yell for them to stop, to go to their rooms, to get out of my face. I am not proud of that. But I am proud of the fact that I do it less and less all the time. And when I do get it wrong I am humble enough to apologize to my children. To tell them I am learning as I go, and I need their forgiveness. And then we sit down and we make lists of the bad versus the good in our life, to remind us that we get it right far more than we get it wrong. And the one thing that keeps me doing it is the smile on their faces when we are through. The thank you momma, I feel better that lands on ears.

And isn’t that enough? Isn’t it okay to be human and admit that you are a work in progress? I’d rather do that than to pretend I know it all, that I am perfect, or that I know more than the rest of the world. I’ve been there, done that, and I don’t want the damn t-shirt.

When I think about life I think about what I want to look back on at night when the kids are asleep. Do I want to feel bad about how we handled a situation? Do I want to spend the night feeling guilty that I could have done something different? Do I want to wallow in the guilt thinking I am the only one in the world? Or do I want to make sure all is well in our world, so we can all let it go and be at peace? Do I want to let the guilt fuel me to do better, so I don’t feel it next time? Do I want to remind myself that EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD gets it wrong sometimes. I am NOT alone.

I think about what I want to remember next week when someone mentions this one. Do I want to look back and cringe? Do I want to look back and wish I would have tried a little harder? Or do I want to look back and smile knowing we gave it our best, and let that be good enough to carry us through?

Because even when Dan and I do snap at each other it is never an actual argument. It is over quickly. And if you knew us five, six, seven years ago…that is fucking progress. And I let that progress remind me that we can take it even further. And even when I do yell at my children I don’t just let them think whatever they want. I go to them. I apologize, and we spend time together reminding ourselves of the good. And so when I look back I think yes, we had a bad moment, but look how we handled it. We didn’t dwell on it, and let it turn into an entire bad day.

And that makes me smile. For if I did not apologize, if arguments were fueled by the snapping, if I did not take time to make my children feel better I wouldn’t be able to do that. I would back and only know I should have, would have, could have done better.

I think of what I want to remember when I am old. When Dan and I are sitting on our porch swing, or in matching chairs on the porch. What will we have to talk about? Will we be silent, knowing our children never come around, because we didn’t love them enough? Will we be able to look back without sorrowful tears? Will we be surrounded by our kids and our grand kids? Will we have family dinners once a week?

I don’t know the answer to some of them questions. What I do know is that I want to love and be loved. That I want to show the world that best things in life are NOT things. That I want my children to want to be around me. I want to know, one day, what it’s like to have a grandchild. I want to be as happy with my husband as I am today; even happier. I want us both to look back without regret. To know that we did our best to change, to teach our children, and to turn around our lives. And the best thing about it is that we talk about it together. He and I both thank each other all the time. It’s amazing that after what we put each other through today we are more in love than ever. Ten years and we have only aged sweet; like fine wine. We still love each other, even more than we did. We are still attracted to one another, and chase each other around the house, and life is good.

And I know that if I want those things in the future I have to work for them now. Because anything you want that bad you have to work to achieve. Getting it wrong is easy. It takes persistence, consistency, and hard work to get it right. But isn’t it worth it?

It’s not that we never get it wrong. We have just learned to let it go quickly, and not take it all so damn personal. Sometimes the kids are mad at each other when they scream at us. They don’t mean to scream at us. Sometimes he had a bad day at work and the snappy reply isn’t meant for me at all. Or maybe I am overwhelmed with school, the house, a cake, whatever; and I don’t even realize I am being a bitch. I would never purposefully hurt him or the kids, and I know they wouldn’t do it to me, either.

When things go wrong it doesn’t last long. If the kids are being ridiculous I don’t say it out loud. Well, I try to remember not to. I am still learning. But what has helped is that instead of saying, “These kids are getting on my nerves.” I say, “I love my kids, and they love me, and this too shall pass.” I take a deep breath or two and tackle the situation.

When school overwhelms me, and I want to give it up I don’t say it out loud. Not in that moment of real frustration. I say instead, “School is a great thing. It will benefit our family so much, and I can do this.” I remind myself of what this education will mean in terms of our financial future and benefits for our family.

When people I love get on my nerves I speak the good things I love about them out loud, and remind myself everyone has off days; including me. It enables me to forgive quickly and not stay focused on things that were never meant to hurt me. Life is so preciously short, and I don’t want to waste it.

So when I post positive things. When I say life is good. When I mention what an amazing husband I have. When I say how proud I am of my kids I mean it. Because life IS good. It wasn’t always, but I have vowed for years that one day it would be. And today I can honestly say it is. Only because I have replaced negative thinking with positive thinking. I have stopped complaining and starting being grateful. Life really does give you back what you put out there. Call it karma, call it reaping and sowing, call it what you will. But even science has a thing or two on the subject you should study.

I have so much more to say, but I am exhausted. I need to start some laundry, and I need to contact paper my kitchen cupboards. And this is a perfect example. I am tired as they come. There was a huge part of me that starting resenting the laundry. But I reminded myself how it was ten years ago. There is one person that can vouch for me if he’s reading this; but he doesn’t have to.

I would sort and put laundry in several large trash bags. Then I would tie those bags to a double stroller, and pack four back packs for four small children, so they would have toys and crayons to stay busy. Then I would walk, pushing the stroller through snow and ice, kids in tow for blocks and blocks to a laundry mat. I would have to spend four hours chasing children, washing, drying, and placing those clothes in clean bags. Tie them all up, pack the backpacks up again, and walk blocks and blocks back home through the snow and ice, with small children in tow. I had to do this once every couple weeks. And it took hours and hours to put it all away.

So I don’t complain. I remind myself how much easier it is to carry baskets, one at a time, to the basement. How I should cherish the fact that I have a washer and dryer in my home. I don’t have to go out in the cold, walk through winter, chase children. Life is always going to be what we tell ourselves it is, folks. Plain and simple.


Have a great night.